I was traveling to Austin, Texas for trauma training and in the airport magazine cover after magazine cover was about brain science and new discoveries that impact every aspects of our lives. Harvard Business Review, “The Brain Science Behind Business”, National Geographic, “Your Brain: 100 things you never knew”, Scientific America, “How the Brain Reads Faces”.
The science of the brain has grown exponentially over the past 10-15 years. We know today what scientists only dreamt about knowing just 20 years ago because of major advances in technology. So how does this apply to recovery from an affair? Because there is nothing more interesting than seeing your brain on sex, specifically, limerence and infidelity, or in other words, “new” sex.
In recovery from sexual addiction or compulsive sexual behavior, we read scientific journal articles and books on the chemistry of sex as it relates to the reward center of the brain. What happens when we meet someone that we feel is paying special attention to us, who we find attractive? Brain chemistry happens, and we get a hit. Neurochemical explosion – in the form of dopamine, norepinephrine, epinephrine, etc. It’s like 4th of July in your head, which translates down into your body with all these feel good neurochemicals.
Why do you care? Because as this chemical cocktail goes off in the brain, it can make a person feel “high” in a very similar way to using cocaine. You know, like a real drug, it can also impair your judgement significantly. Some can get addicted seeking this drug-like hit that comes off of novel and new sexual experiences, but even if craving and tolerance don’t happen, an affair gives off the same chemical response as someone who struggles with compulsive sexual behavior and can be a powerful hook, line and sinker.
Attractive people exist. Your spouse may be amazing and yes, there can be other amazing members of society that one can meet that can begin to set off powerful neurochemistry. The point is to know this is normal and to guard against getting into a situation that can cross the line. Stay aware. In today’s social media, smart phone culture, setting boundaries when in a committed relationship can be challenging, but this also is key to staying monogamous. What type of texting or messaging is appropriate? What’s not? And if something feels like it’s moving in an unsafe direction, re-calibrate and get re-focused on the goal: being faithful.
Fidelity may not be easy, many worthy goals in life are not easy, but worth it. Some may not even have monogamy as the goal. In that case, I’m not talking to you. But if you are in a relationship where fidelity and honesty are shared common values, learning the brain chemistry of attractive and then setting appropriate boundaries is a way to help safeguard from the pain of infidelity.
