Why is it hard for an unfaithful spouse who truly loves his wife (or husband) to do the work to repair his marriage after an affair? How many times have I met clients who want to live happily ever after (the affair), yet refuse to reach out for help?
It’s all to common to get a call for help months and even years after the infidelity.
Recently a prospective client called and said his wife has been asking him for 5 years to go to counseling to recover from his affair. His reply as to why he’s put it off for five years was that it was too painful for him to address.
Many reactions can come from his statement. The betrayed spouse is thinking, “too painful for you??” An objective observer may think, “right? I mean he made a mistake, said sorry, and doesn’t want his face rubbed in it every day?!”
Even many therapists, counselors and coaches who claim to have experience with affair recovery (and/or sexual addiction) will echo this common observer. Often counselors who are not really trained in infidelity recovery (and compulsive sexual behavior) will side with the unfaithful spouse by saying something like, “ok, well it really hurts your husband/wife when you bring up the affair, so you’re not to talk about that anymore”.
Again, back to the betrayed, anyone who has actually experienced the trauma of infidelity and/or compulsive sexual behavior or has truly been trained by professionals who specialize in this area, know that it is hard for the unfaithful to process what he/she has done, and it also is mandatory for healing.
Healing cannot occur for the unfaithful, the hurt or the couple-ship if the ordeal stays in the dark. Tremendous growth occurs when an unfaithful partner can own his/her infidelity without being buried in shame. So the prospective client who says he can’t deal is having trouble facing himself, and what he’s done.
Healing happens for the betrayed spouse when she/he has a partner who is willing to face the pain he/she caused, and learns to integrate the dark and light parts of his/her humanity. Good people do bad things. People who have strong value-systems and love their spouses, do hurtful and destructive behaviors, for a variety of reasons.
Working with a trained professional helps walk the unfaithful through the process of facing oneself, facing the failures, the harmful ways he/she behaved, and uncovering the whys.
If an unfaithful spouse is allowed to hide from himself, it increases the chance of making that same mistake again, and even if that doesn’t happen, the marriage cannot thrive. Individually, the spouse who cheated will be stunted in the personal growth and reaching his/her highest potential.
It’s a heavy burden to carry, unprocessed pain and destruction, and on top of an initially already heavy load, things grow in the dark over time.
